Phew, I’ve been stuck on the grief train this past week. My youngest daughter and my grandfather whom recently passed away shared a birthday, both of which fell on Easter and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Grief tends to sneak up on me when I least expect it even when all the signs are there. The week leading up to the 4th I forgot an appointment, my head was constantly cloudy, and all in all, I was just out of sorts. I could not get it together and my immediate knee-jerk reaction is always to freak out. I became so depressed when I lost my grandmother a year prior that I became terrified of grief and going back there. I would always think:
Ahh this is it. This is the time you’re going under and won’t come back from it.
Yes, this is my immediate reaction. No, this is not healthy. It is a huge learning process to change our natural go to reaction that we’ve learned for our own survival and mine is definitely to avoid depression and big feelings at all costs . I’m slowly relearning that nothing is going to take me under and it will not take you under either as long as you are tending to the tender places in the process.
My best friend texted me and said, “Make sure you rest. You deserve to rest, two birthdays, one for your child and one for your grandfather, all on Easter? You deserve to rest.” And I needed that. We all need people to remind us that it’s okay to breathe.
I rested. I rode the waves of grief. I felt the feelings. I wrote them down and today the sun was shining a bit brighter.
All I can really reflect on today is God’s goodness in giving me friends I prayed my whole life for. I have a family that I love so deeply that it carries me long after they have left this Earth, and a husband and children that continually make me want to be a better human.
God is everywhere, in the grief, in the pain, in the rejoicing, in the memories. God is found right in the faces of the people we love most. He is perfectly stitching the fabric of our lives together turning them into something so beautiful and brand new we sometimes have a hard time perceiving it. Life is new in this season. The way you handle life, nothing you have done or have been through will ever discredit you because the Lord is doing a new thing. Do you perceive it? And what are you going to do with it?
For me, it means writing. Writing the book that has been in my heart since before I took my first breath on this earth. Writing on here when I feel lead and pouring into the loved ones God has placed in front of me. It means following God’s will for my life and letting my expectations go. It also means trusting, trusting that the journey the Lord has me on is the right one, even if that means it is different than everyone else’s. It means bringing my heart and praising him right now. Praising him before the breakthrough.
All I can really reflect on today is God’s goodness in giving me friends I prayed my entire life for. I have a family that I love so deeply that it carries me long after they have left this Earth, and a husband and children that continually make me want to be a better woman. I love you all and you are apart of my heart always.
“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:19 NLT