A big goal of mine has been to get back into running. I am not great at it. I run a 16 minute mile on a good day, but it makes me feel good, so I do it anyways. Before I decided to give medication another shot I was constantly drained by the anxiety and depression plaguing my every thought. It was a struggle to see God’s promise through the lies my head was so eagerly spitting out. I am now a month into this healing journey and thankfully I have a lot more energy, the problem is that with this new found energy I can forget to rest. I can start chalking up my value to what I do versus who I already am.
A big part being able to run is being able to rest. I am on week four of the C25K program which combine walking and running for 30 minutes three days a week. On the off days I normally walk for 30 minutes to get some excersise but still maintain my resting schedule. This past week I said screw my schedule, let’s see how many steps I can really get in a day. Let’s up the ante and go hog wild. I FEEL GOOD LET’S DO IT! I decided to walk on the treadmill for my usual thirty minutes, go grocery shopping, clean the house, then go roller skating with my mother-in-law and daughter.
Come Monday I was exhausted. My run felt three hours long. I no longer had the passion, or drive to keep up the pace that I have in weeks past, and I was worn out tired. As I prayed on that treadmill, “Lord, why am I miserable right now? How do I get back to the place of passion and fun? CAUSE THIS AIN’T FUN!”
I felt him say, “Why don’t you walk first?”
There are times when we are meant to run, but we can’t learn to run until we have first learned to walk. We have got to walk if we want to build the endurance it takes to run the full race. (Hebrews 12:1) Life isn’t made up over lists to check off it is made up of experiences and really living in the presence of God and with others.
I made myself a promise when I first called my psychiatrist a month ago that if I went back on medication I would also do the things God has shown me to be essential to my well-being; diet, exercise, sleep. I forgot a big one though. Rest.
Sleep is one thing, truly resting in the presence of God is something else entirely. Resting in the peace and knowing that God is holding situations no matter how out of my own control they are, sitting at the Lord’s feet in the midst of chaos, and resting in the sheer fact that He is God and I am not is a practice that is so important it can calm even the most raging sea of thoughts.
So today I am choosing to remember God’s peace over my own productivity. I am choosing to make His presence bigger than any pressure I may be feeling…And I am choosing to walk. Anytime I want to run ahead… I am pulling back the reigns, fixing my eyes and my thoughts on the cross and I hope you will do the same.