Being Home

Sometimes I need to take a step back to access my motives in life because I can really get it twisted. I am a self diagnosed chronic perfectionist and people pleaser. I have been desperately trying to be the best wife, mother, daughter, and friend possible without actually accessing what that would look like. Seriously, my therapist asks me the same question every single time I meet with her , “What would it look like to be the perfect wife, mother, or daughter? What would you do differently?” and I have always responded, “I don’t know.” I don’t know because I am doing all of the things this perfect lady would do, but I HATE DOING IT.

I did not realize how much my Yes to everything and everyone else was actually taking from my yes to the people I was actually called to. (Perpetual People Pleasing is step one to insanity, I am sure of it.) I have been so drained that I have been oblivious to what was really mine to pick up in the first place. Isn’t that crazy? We can get so preoccupied with pleasing others that we can lose sight of what is pleasing to God? I have been so frustrated with my kids. I have been so frustrated with my husband, all the while helping others and doing, doing, doing to feel loved. Despite having three people and two dogs fighting for my attention I have just wanted more. All the friends. All the invites. All the fun. And all of those are awesome, but once it started taking away from my relationship with God and my relationship with my family… I needed a moment or 50.

We have decided to sit August out. Our whole summer vacation has been pretty laid back but August is for nothing. We leave the house maybe twice a week unless it is to visit my grandfather. I have had dirty dishes in the sink about half the time. I only wear real clothes maybe (BIG maybe) half of the time. If these children want pickles and popcorn for lunch somedays, they get it. We are on a literal, in house, staycation, and it has been the best thing I have ever done. I have made zero plans unless I really felt the Lord saying so and I have said “No we can’t” A LOT because guess what? That is okay! I love being people’s go to. The “Yes” girl. I love helping others, but God, my own peace, and my people have to come first otherwise nothing will be okay.

I will be the first to tell you. I love compliments. I love affirmation of any kind. If you send me a card we could be best friends. People outside of our immediate families will more easily affirm us possibly because we take out our frustrations out on our families…

Maybe that’s just me though…

Sorry guys.

I can tell you right now raising a two year old is thankless. Yesterday she screamed at me as I scrubbed my favorite blue eyeshadow off of every inch of her tiny toddler body. She even says, “Say Please,” when she wants us to open her popsicle. Thankless. Children are pretty much anti-affirming for most of the day, but it is my job to show them love and light that points them right back to Jesus.

There will come a day when they will have their own children to scrub, and love, and hold onto, but until that day I have been specifically equipped to be their mama. I have a lot of dreams and goals but the foundation our family stands on will always be number one. So, if God wants me to take a break in order to see my people better, to really see what they are feeling, and show me how to love them better. If he wants me to take a break from people and relationships outside of my own household that are sucking me dry, then so be it. I have learned by now that if it is His will He will always make a way no matter what that means.

Now may the God who brought us peace by raising from the dead our Lord Jesus Christ so that he would be the Great Shepherd of his flock; and by the power of the blood of the eternal covenant may he work perfection into every part of you giving you all that you need to fulfill your destiny. And may he express through you all that is excellent and pleasing to him through your life-union with Jesus the Anointed One who is to receive all glory forever! Amen!
Hebrews 13:20‭-‬21 TPT

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