Yesterday I cried…a lot. I cried on the floor. I cried on the couch. I cried on my bed. I cried in the bathroom and on the kitchen floor.
Somewhere between my first set of tears and through my final dry heaves of emotion I was trickled down to the single thought. I am not strong enough for this.
This idea of “enough” and what it means to do and be enough has been swimming around in my head for twenty some years now. The constant struggle of enough has stolen too many good days and in its place has left this vicious narrative replaying over and over inside of my head. The narrative itself is draining but the striving to be enough has really been sucking the life right out of me.
Today I wrote a list of the thoughts I was telling myself and then a response to each one. They ranged from my thoughts as a mother, daughter, and wife to how little I have accomplished in the span of 27 years. Right there in their blatant list form these thoughts glared back at me, because seriously what the heck? If any of my friends came to me and shared with me these same thoughts I was having I would look at them like they were crazy. So why in the world would be I be thinking them about myself?
What is enough and can I ever possibly get there? Where does this imaginary scale of enough begin and end and does it exist? I believe it does just not within my own power.
I am not enough on my own and I never will be. I have been doing some digging on the word enough and consequently stumbled upon a song commonly sung during Passover called “Dayenu.” Dayenu translates to “It would have been enough.”
The song goes through the book of Exodus and the journey and miracles that took place with the one occuring theme. That even if God did not show up in all the ways that he did, and perform the miracles he performed, it would have been enough.
“If God had pushed down our enemies in [the Sea] and had not supplied our needs in the wilderness for forty years; [it would have been] enough for us.“
Motivational images swarm social media with messages like, “You are enough!” But as long as we are chasing this false reality we are going to be let down every single time because when is enough ever actually enough?
What does enough look like for me? What is the true narrative woven within the words of my own life story?
If God gave me my husband and we never grew as a couple from those two stupid teenagers we once were, it would have been enough for us.
If God brought me out of depression and I had lost my mind the next day, it would have been enough.
If God would have given me my family, just for them to have given up on me when I came home pregnant at 17, it would have been enough.
When it is easier to focus on the ways we are not enough, those are the times when we desperately need to go back and list the reasons why He is.