I have had “suicidal thoughts” for the entire length of my depression extravaganza, but I had forgotten what it really felt like to be “done” until recently. The problem is definitions. Suicidal ideation is defined as “thinking about or planning suicide.” I learned early on that you have to really tame what you say when even discussing the matter otherwise it can be taken in a completely different direction. Most of my younger years were wrestling with the idea of suicide. Once I got older though my feelings changed but I realized I could not talk about the actual feeling of not wanting to deal with this anymore. I found myself tiptoeing around my words not to spark panic amongst my doctors. That extended to family or friend circles. Do I want to physically leave this earth and never come back? No, but a huge reality of depression is that we want this gone and just want a little peace. Just a little! Nothing drastic but maybe added patience mixed with less irritability so I can actually stand myself those days. So maybe we need to change the dialect. There is a big difference between being suicidal and being in the trenches. The discussion needs to happen in the middle of those trenches so it does not escalate into something much more serious.
I always hear people say “We cling to God in the storms.” Maybe I am the only one who gets spiritually distracted then? I have a hard time clinging when I have been fighting too long. I cry out in the storms, but I am still fighting. I know He will get me through but I never let Jesus just rescue me. More realistically I resemble someone who thinks they’re drowning in knee deep water. Arms flailing, screaming, looking like a straight fool, only for the lifeguard to pull me up and I realize I can stand up.
There are certain verses in the Bible that really make me laugh. I guess it comes from years of doubting what God is capable of plus Jesus’ bluntness that just makes me die.
“Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown? “When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. “Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?””
Mark 4:38-40 NLT
Bam. Got em. 😂
They knew Jesus. They were looking at him sleeping right there in front of them and they were still sitting there like “Look man, you’re really slacking. We’re gonna die here while you’re resting up.” Then Jesus wakes up all “Are y’all for real?” And still stops the storm.
The girl who cries for no reason. The girl who’s body aches from exhaustion. The girl who just feels alone. That is the girl I want to let go of and let “die.” Her dreams, or lack there of, are not my dreams. Our dreams are connected though. Her feelings are intertwined with mine in every moment making me more aware of who I am and what I have come through. It is important to see how these two girls work together, during the storm and once it comes to pass, because it always comes to pass.
There is a deep, deep, insufferable pain in our world and people need our stories. We need each others experience to let us know we are not in this alone. There is power in numbers and power when darkness is exposed light.