I heard a pastor on the radio recently say, “Stop asking “God, Why me?” And start asking “God, what are you preparing me for?” This simple change in dialect has really changed how I am praying lately.
Depression gets me. Depression has a way of killing all passion and choking out all light in its path. I can easily become a pile of unshowered, fatigued, mush. I am not usually a “Why me?” person. Since starting my journey in actively pursuing Christ I have just accepted that life throws some curveballs at times, you push through, and you get through it stronger than before. This time feels different. It is the first time I have felt at a stand still with something I absolutely have no power to change. I can’t seem to shake off my sadness.
Our family was hit with some pretty big news in June. The kind of news that you do not just get over in a day or two. When “your person” has a cancer diagnosis it shakes you to your core. I have not wanted to discuss it. I have been angry. I have been numb and above all other things I feel peace over her somehow. My person is strong beyond measure and I have full faith in God to take care of her, but watching her fight hurts.
Whenever I have been sick or upset sitting in her lap has made everything better. I can still just smell her perfume from across the room and feel more relaxed than when I started. Someone with that much angelic power to them should never have to fight for anything. Someone so special should never deal with something so big, but I do not know the plans God has for her. I do know that our God is bigger than any situation could ever be and I know that He, Himself, said in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” and that is what we will cling to.
His plans aren’t always understandable because they are bigger than we can comprehend. It is extremely hard for me to let God be God. I like everything in life to be perfectly calculated. Perfect calculations aren’t feasible in life though. My life and my loved ones lives are not my job to write.
My soul gets tired from all of my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I just need to let Jesus blow some life into me and start looking forward to what is to come even if in the moment it seems hopeless. God says in Isaiah 48:10-11, “I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.” I’m anxiously waiting to see what this refining will unveil for our family, but as much comfort as scripture brings it does not make the process any easier. We serve a healing, loving, God. No matter what, there is good to come because that is just how our Father is. Thank goodness for a God that uses our suffering to guide us and not break us. Every ache our heart has ever and will ever experience will never be in vain. The suffering is molding us into who we are supposed to be. Most days I have no idea where my car keys are let alone what my plans for the entirety of my eternal existence are, but I am so thankful my God does.