I am very young in my faith. I am still a little baby Christian when it comes to experiencing God’s glory and provision. When certain “God things” (events, encounters, encouragement that are undoubtedly God) happen I get so excited. I always want to tell people. Supernatural experiences are just cool. In that moment I can grab on to that feeling of security run with it. No second guessing because God is there. I feel him and I know in that moment I am unstoppable.
My testimony is a complete “God thing”. So much so, that I still do not fully understand and it is still really hard for me to share because it is unexplainable. A song we sing at church always rings out to me.
“When you walk into the room
Darkness starts to tremble
At the light that you bring
And when you walk into the room
Every heart starts burning
And nothing matters more
Than just to sit here at your feet
And worship you.”
Jesus walked into my life and everything changed. My life was a hopeless situation and now it is not. That encounter had me on fire for months. I achieved more in 6 months than I did in my entire adult life, but I had both eyes on Jesus. Somewhere between then and now life happened. I have a problem keeping that passion once life sets in. Anxiety creeps in, negative thoughts start making appearances, and doubt starts planting its roots.
I’ve started something new to combat these unwanted feelings. I typically had quiet time with Jesus if all of my made up stipulations have been checked off. These stipulations include waking up at 5:30 before everyone else, having ample time for worship, having ample time for copious amounts of prayer, and above all else being completely inflexible. All of my stipulations not only make most days impossible to sit at the feet of Jesus but they make time with God a huge chore. In one of my devotional readings I read recently it mentioned “breaking up with your quiet time” so that’s what I’ve decided to do. It is pretty embarrassing how many different outlets I need to walk confidently in my faith and my own skin as a believer, but I can feel my relationship with Him growing. Instead of praying and reading my devotional in the morning I now space everything out. I pray, read Christian blog posts, books, use the Bible app, anything to keep the closeness throughout the day. When life gets in the way I can feel myself start to stray and I can feel my anxious thoughts and depression returning. This is when I keep my distance from any type of intimacy with the Lord rather than running to Him full force. Tonight I realized why that intimacy is so crucial. Church takes your day to day quiet time and amplifies. Somehow it all ties together and the purpose is firmly placed in cement. The passion is reignited. My heart feels like it has been set on fire and that feeling is what pushes me on. Depression is dark and scary and if I do not watch it, it has the possibility to completely snuff out my testimony. I have to choose to fix my eyes on the one who casts out all fear. He is completely worthy of my trust and praise and He will get me through. It is my job to listen and actively seek him every second of every day.