I have always been an anxious, perfection driven person. I have been paralyzed in perfectionism since my youngest was born four months ago and quite frankly I am sick of it. A little back story, I lived in a depressed daze for the first three years of my youngest’s life. Three years of constant life paralysis because I did not have the energy to enjoy or achieve anything else. I say that to let you know, I am no stranger to these feelings. The anxious, depressed, hormonal, feelings that I have been experiencing lately are nothing compared to that, but are frustrating all the same. With that being said for me it is part of life.
I have come to terms with the fact that I am wired to be slightly anxious, slightly perfection seeking, and just depressed enough to never lose sight of what I have been through. My problem lies when I let the enemy grab ahold of those little personality cables and they start strangling my personal identity.
The enemy is a professional at taking what makes us special and convincing us it is actually a fault. In my case, anxiety works two ways. Anxiety and depression can give my life just enough friction to make me move in the direction I need to go in, but the feeling of anxiety can also cause me to tense up with fear to the point where I don’t want to leave the house for days. The first is how God rescued me from the trenches while the second is undoubtedly the enemy. It is that moment when the storm stops that keeps me going. Once I can see beauty in small things again I know things have come to pass.
I have to look at nature. I feel as though it is a direct link to all God is capable of and it is completely fathomable in first person. We were on vacation the last few days and I was lucky enough to catch the sunrise yesterday. In 25 years I have never watched the sun rise from beneath the ocean to high into the sky. I was watching the big pink head pop up and all I could think is, “A sunrise is a perfectly calculated event. If He can create this I am thinking way too little of God’s power over my depression.”
Depression is like trying to see the top of a mountain from a valleys lowest point…while having blazing hot sun in your eyes and your sunglasses are in the car a mile a way. It seems impossible but once we change our position in which we are looking at the mountain the highest point isn’t as impossible to see.
“And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fore tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have such little faith? (Matthew 6:30)”